Happy Birthday, Miss Ion Accomplished! Five years old today. You’ve gotten so big I hardly recognize you.

Freedom is on the march everywhere. In my town, starting today you can look just about anywhere and smile into the camera. A friendly Homeland Security employee will take note. Feel free to give the “thumbs up” sign—they love that.

I am hoping all the cameras will be clearly visible and labeled, with a blinking red light. I want to make sure they catch my good side.

Voice offstage: “Mayday! Mayday!”
Second voice: “May Day?”
Third voice: “Get those two …”

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